The Tour of Sufferlandria

The Tour of Sufferlandria
The Tour of Sufferlandria

26 Jan – 3 Feb 2013

Originally posted on The Sufferfest.

They say that the Tour of Qatar isn’t hard enough. There are murmurs that the Tour Down Under, even though harder than before, still isn’t terribly difficult. Rumor has it that the Tour de San Luis in Argentina is little more than a tourist trip and even Europe’s early season races have become simple warm-ups for the rest of the season.

That’s all changing thanks to a new race sponsored by the Sufferlandrian Tourist Bureau. Slotting in nicely to the UCI calender of early season races, the Tour of Sufferlandria was created to bring back the drama, agony and misery that the early season peloton deserves. Starting on January 26th, the 9 day event promises to turn even the softest rider into a true Sufferlandrian by the end, on Feb 3rd.

Full Schedule:
Saturday, Jan 26th: Hell Hath No Fury

  • Duration: 1h 15m – 968 cal
  • Heart Rate – Avg: 132bmp, Max: 158bpm
  • Cadence – Avg: 89rpm, Max: 140rpm
  • Strava Suffer Score: 39 (a norm?!?)

Sunday, Jan 27th: The Hunted

  • Duration: 1h 5m – 718 cal
  • Heart Rate – Avg: 122bpm, Max: 153bpm
  • Cadence – Avg: 90rpm, Max: 130rpm
  • Strava Suffer Score: 25 (wtf?!? wimp…)

Monday, Jan 28th: Extra Shot + Fight Club

  • Duration: 1h 23m – 1065 cal
  • Heart Rate – Avg: 132bpm, Max: 154bpm
  • Cadence – Avg: 89rpm, Max: 131rpm
  • Strava Suffer Score: 42 (better… not great, but better)

Tuesday, Jan 29th: A Very Dark Place

  • Duration: 54m 43s – 678 cal
  • Heart Rate – Avg: 129bpm, Max: 159bpm
  • Cadence – Avg: 87rpm, Max: 130rpm
  • Strava Suffer Score: 28 (ugh…)

Wednesday, Jan 30th: Angels

  • Duration: 1h 13m – 793 cal
  • Heart Rate – Avg: 118bpm, Max: 155bpm
  • Cadence – Avg: 82rpm, Max: 125rpm
  • Strava Suffer Score: 29 (wimp…)

Thursday, Jan 31st: The Wretched + The Long Scream

  • Duration: 1h 24m – 1246 cal
  • Heart Rate – Avg: 147bpm, Max: 162bpm
  • Cadence – Avg: 82rpm, Max: 126rpm
  • PR Strava Suffer Score: 85 (finally… a minion)

Friday, Feb 1st: The Downward Spiral

  • Duration: 1h 2m – 784 cal
  • Heart Rate – Avg: 131bpm, Max: 156bpm
  • Cadence – Avg: 86rpm, Max: 117rpm
  • Strava Suffer Score: 32 (Uffdah…)

Saturday, Feb 2nd: There is No Try + Revolver

  • Spent the day snowboarding with my kids. Bad, bad, bad minion.

Sunday, Feb 3rd: Local Hero

  • Spent the day snowboarding with my kids. Bad, bad, bad minion.
The Tour of Sufferlandria
The Tour of Sufferlandria

According to Grunter von Agony, race director, “The course is carefully balanced between agony, misery and despair. So, yes, the Tour of Sufferlandria is a worthwhile target for anybody looking for an early season goal. You really ought to have some solid training behind you before you start it, and you’ll surely go through a roasting in hell during the race. When you come out the other side? With a solid 9 days of effort behind you, you will be able to take an ox, tie him to your bike, drag him up and over Mt. Sufferlandria while he tries to run the other way, and drink a flagon of ale made from the bikes of all those you crushed on your way to a glorious victory. Or the Minions will eat you for lunch. But, whatever.”